I'm going HAM for mine, what about you?

My posts about my triumph over tragedy are about ME! In the midst of my personal triumph I see that not all of my family members are at the same stage as I am on this grief journey. I'm reminded of this when I see my daughter go through her own growing pains in accepting the losses we have experienced and today was a very trying day for her.

I can only pray for her, I know that God is OUR HEALER and I model, teach and guide her through her pain as best I can. My heart ached for her as I watched her struggle with her emotions and waited patiently for her to share with me what was going on with her even though the Holy Spirit had already revealed it to me. Her pain pierced my heart as I prayed silently and then aloud for her to see and hear how to press through past her emotions.

When she asked me how will she know when God is talking to her, I realized she didn't have ENOUGH EXPERIENCES WITH GOD to recognize His voice over the others. I shared that just like she knows me well because we spend time together she has to do the same thing with God in order to discern HIS voice!

PARENTS WE HAVE TO TEACH THEM CONSISTENTLY HOW TO DO THIS!! Their very souls depend upon them being able to discern the voice of God in order to make wise decisions. I'm going HAM for mine, are you? I have to STAY SOBER MINDED FOR THE SAKE OF THE CALL! I'm called to steward as a parent over the one child He left me with and I take my assignment seriously! 

After all, GOD TRUSTS ME WITH THIS MOST TREASURED, PRECIOUS POSSESSION, HIS CHILD MMI!!

As I reflect on this Mother's Day...

As I reflect on this Mother's Day,
I looked through many of your posts and read all of the tributes in honor of Mother and was blessed to see pics of you and your Mom or in memory of Mom. I realized that 22 years have gone by since my own momma passed, WOW!
If I've learned nothing else over these years, I've learned this much for sure! Cherish the moments, create memories, and keep in touch with your mother 'cause when she's gone that's it NO DO OVERS! The same can be said for anybody in your life that you will miss immensely once they have departed.
The same love and affection demonstrated this weekend should be lavished on them daily! People really don't hear enough how much they are appreciated WHILE THEY CAN HEAR IT! Please don't wait for the designated holidays to show them that you truly love them, let everyday be THAT DAY!
One more thing: I made it my motto 27 years ago after my dad died to treat each day as if it's their (loved ones') last, one day you WILL BE CORRECT!

My thoughts on a Good Man

A friend of mine on Facebook posted this:

"I don't think men have issues accepting that we'll lie in a heart beat: I think we have issues with being EXPOSED as liars before our women."

Is this true? That's a very sad commentary if so, why not just be honest and you won't have to worry about how you come across to your woman! Duh!

That's why I've passed on so many men because this is very important to me if you want me to trust your leadership as head of our house! NEXT.....!!!!

I've been single, head of household for more than a minute now and if you want me to submit to your leadership you need a track record of your obedience to following HIM for me to see that you are a good follower. Great leaders were ALWAYS great followers! Who you follow is where you will lead me.

I'm in many FB relationship groups and have commented in many of them about preparedness for marriage. Being formerly single w/no kids, married w/no kids, married w/kids and now widowed (single again) w/kid, I feel like I have a distinct experience and perspective on living the single life.

Most of the so called experts online are men who are reformed pimps and whoremongers who want to share the secret of getting a man. PUH-LEEZE! Many of the women online who offer that same advice do not have nearly as large a following (groupies) as the men.

I'm burnt out on all the advice out here and wanted to share my own tried and true experience of what to look for and here is my opinion of what a Good Man is FOR ME:

A man who is ready to commit to me ONLY, I don't want to be his #1 lady. He also demonstrates his fidelity to serving our God, not just lip service. I'm second in his life AFTER GOD, not his children. He knows what his life's purpose is and is walking in it and realizes he needs help (wife) to complete it. He realizes that I am his gift from God and appreciates God hooking him up with me. We both know or are willing to learn how to become one to fulfill God's purpose as a couple then blended family. He realizes that a good man leaves an inheritance for our children's children and works to make that happen.

When he knows his purpose and Godly assignment THEN he can better choose a helpmeet (wife) to HELP him meet and fulfill that assignment. Anything else is just fooling around, working out his issues in other women's lives until he figures out what he's doing. What's so disconcerting to me is that many Christian men claim to know better (God's Word) on the matter of sexual purity and still want to do it their way (auditioning women in their beds knowing full well they aren't even much interested in "wife-ing" them).

I'm accountable to God for my own decisions and when I meet disappointing men like this I deal with them accordingly.There was a reason why the men of the bible were older when they married. They had to PROVE themselves ready to provide for their own household and most times that takes time. A man also needs to have the emotional intelligence to be able to lead his family with Godly wisdom because he has filled his heart with God's Word which he then uses to make wise decisions.

Unfortunately, I've heard too many men confess that they've wasted the better part of their lives because it took them so long to figure out their destiny. Ladies, if he hasn't grown up emotionally and mentally no need to play house and allow him to ruin your life! WHEN he realizes his purpose and begins to walk in it, he will realize that he's missing his helpmeet and THAT's when he should began watching and waiting for confirmation from God on who is best suited to be his helpmeet. There is a Godly standard that is well established in His Word to follow for this, all he needs to do is study God's Word. It's up to each of us individually to accept or reject this wisdom, just like salvation. Some come into agreement with His Word sooner than others and some not at all. It's up to us to choose wisely. In my opinion,when you know better you should DO BETTER, I'm just saying...

Relationships today...

What I have noticed about relationships is this: we have become used to using personal services as needed and when completed we or they leave . Even if we have a long standing relationship around services rendered we deal with people on OUR terms. When we want them (their services) we contract for them, if not, no contact. 

This has negatively impacted our expectations of relationships to the point that marriages and singles in relationships have NOT cultivated the skill of suffering long for any reason. Long-suffering is a fruit of the Holy Spirit that will never be developed until we employ it! If you develop the habit of only being bothered with people when you feel like it and isolating yourself when you don't feel like it, you're setting yourself up for failed relationships. 

You have to have tolerance and patience in relationships be they with a spouse, parent, child or at work. You need the grace that comes from the fruit of the Holy Spirit to be able to manage your relationships well, you can't manage them successfully without it! The fruit or the result of having the Holy Spirit activated in your life is a life lived peaceably in all of your interpersonal relationships. This is fundamental if you are seeking life long relationships with others.

Once we understand that much about ourselves then we will know why certain relationships don't, can't and won't work out. 

Time. 

Time spent. 

Time spent cultivating. 

Time spent cultivating your relationships is what will determine the ultimate success or failure of it. Are you willing to put in the time? Do your actions reflect that? 

Count the total cost before you contact people for their companionship. If all you want is to be serviced on YOUR TERMS then contract for that service. Don't lead others to believe that they are in a relationship with you because clearly you have other motives and that is how we define SELFISHNESS!!!

The Three Love Affairs of BBD

The love affair between Bern and her husband - 1989.

* Prayed that God would reveal our mates by Memorial Day/his birthday that year!

* Had known of each other for four years from the same friend circle.

* God opened our natural eyes to see each other as more than friends.

* I waited for him to make the first move, after he did, I responded!

* On our first date he proposed, I accepted, we double dated for a month then got 

married!

* We were married 12 1/2 years when tragedy struck and changed my life forever.

The love affair between Bern and her Lord - 2002.

* After realizing the love of my life was dead along with my firstborn, I had to 

determine who REALLY was my #1 love!

* After determining that my #1 love (God) was still with me, I knew I could and would make it through!

* I decided to become a model and living witness of the power of God to enable us to come through and not just go through the things that He allows in our life.

* As I kept that mantra before me of God giving us everything we need to not only go 

through but come through the trials of our faith, I believed I could and would and did this very hard thing!

The Love Affair between Bern and her God - 2009/2010

* God prompted me to write my story as a guide for others to follow that inspires and encourages them to know that they can make it too!

* Life is NOT OVER just because you've suffered a tragic setback!

* With God as our ultimate life coach we can make it through everything He allows to happen in our lives.

What heartbreak has God allowed in your life?

Where are you in that grief journey?

Still sore, bitter or better?

Let me tell you about My #1 and why His being My #1 kept me from losing my mind after all seemed lost. 

My husband was NOT my #1!

My children were NOT my #1! 

My job was NOT my #1! 

My #1 Is Still My #1! and because He is, I'm still here! Hallelujah! Have you figured it

out yet? GOD has been and still is My #1!

It's not always been so, but after I reordered my priorities after the death of both my

parents, I was straight and more prepared the second time I lost half my family in a car accident. Yes, you heard me right, the second time in one lifetime, to the same person! Twice in a my lifetime! What in the world?!

Today, if you received that kind of news what would be your first reaction? (WFA) I did all of that, what next? How would you plan to move on? Could you move on?

Let me share three of the ten principles found in my book, My #1 Is Still My #1! that can help you to survive the darkest night of your soul...

1) Make sure that God is #1 in your life before a crisis cones into your life!

2) Create a 911 list of people who know how to pray and will go to war in spiritual

battle for your soul!

3) Appoint a gatekeeper for access to you! This person will answer phone calls, the door and all repetitive questions for you from family and friends.

You will weary from the emotional drain if you don't plan to do these 3 things ahead of time!

Are You a Better Parent than Spouse?

I have, like some of you, read many blogs and articles on relationships and all of them had a common theme: Single adults looking for a relationship, companionship, or marriage. I often wondered after reading those articles what was the REAL reason why so many adults are still single today? Why is the single population larger now than at any other time in history?

As I pondered the subject for days and examined my own relationships and those in my circle, I discovered a common thread. We all were better at being parents than we were as potential spouses. Yeah that’s right, I went there! Could it be that those of us who have lamented about the quality of singles in the collective dating pool are ourselves part of the dilemma?

Most singles today are also parents! Without a doubt our children are a priority in the work/life balancing act that we juggle daily. Trying to add a relationship on top of that schedule is daunting at best and down right laughable when you try to figure out the logistics and costs of baby sitters, where can we go out that won’t put a dent in our pockets or our fuel budgets until that next paycheck (are you nodding yet)! It almost seems reasonable and realistic to just not even try to date until the kids are older and/or grown and out the way, right? Thus we come back to my original question: Are you a better parent than spouse?

As single parents we resign ourselves to sacrificing OUR life for the sake of our kids and wear it as a badge of honor when discussing our lot with family and friends. Are you guilty of the martyr syndrome? “I’ll just wait until the kids are gone before I get back into the dating game; I don’t want to bring all of ‘those people’ around my child because it’s not a good look, etc. etc.” All of those reasons are notable but also plays right into my point of why we are better parents than spouses at this time. Maybe, just maybe, you would rather parent right now than add the hard work of trying to develop a relationship that may end in marriage on top of that.

Let’s face it all relationships demand attention!

Parent/own child,

You/own parent

Friend/Friend,

Work/Colleagues,

Siblings

Now add another budding relationship that needs time and attention to grow and thrive! I’m already tired! Aren’t you? I want this, right? BUT, do I have the time to put into this to nourish it and make it solid? Am I willing to give up that time? Hmmmm, that’s the million dollar question and when and where the rubber meets the road, baby!

You want a rock solid relationship but your job, ministry or business, limits the time you can commit to getting to know this person. They get tired of being placed on the back burner and “keep it moving”. Darn it, another relationship bites the dust!

You never get past that period in a relationship where you have to decide if this person is worth your investment of time and energy or should you maintain your work/life balance between ministry, business or job and children. As a single adult we have the option to invite (by choice) a significant other into our daily life, married folks already have it built in!

It’s at this point we determine if it’s worth the hassle of trying to make the relationship work or if we will re-categorize that person to suit our own needs. That’s how people move positions without even knowing they’ve been moved. You thought you were their man or woman and you’ve been “benched” without even knowing it. You figure it out eventually but not without anger and resentment at the time you wasted trying to wait that person out due to miscommunication or lack of communication. You go back hard into your previous status quo of life with your focus being on your children, work or business and ministry and the cycle continues.

My question to you is this, have you reconciled that you might just be a better parent than spouse or mate? Being in a relationship is for grown ups and should be respected as such. I think most singles want to have someone at the ready for when they have time “to play” but aren’t really interested in an ongoing relationship with someone. They can do without the relationship drama just give them the perks of a relationship: designated escort for all social functions, someone to hang out and play with when they have the time available, and no strings attached sex if both are interested in that benefit package.

Ask yourself this question: If you can parent your child, balance your career, ministry and social life without having to make a commitment to a relationship, what is the incentive to “boo” up with someone? Just keep it casual, convenient and on your terms, right?

Which brings me right back to my original question: Are you a better Parent than a Spouse? For some of you that is the reason why you are single; for others of you that’s the reason why you need to remain single!

MEMO

TO: Single Parents who are dating!

RE: You make time for what and who matters to you!

Signed,

Bernice Bright Dickey, Author @

http://www.bernicebrightdickey.com/

WHAT I KNOW FOR SURE!

What I know for sure is how to bounce back from setbacks! Yes, I do!

I lost my husband and oldest daughter in an automobile accident ten years ago.  My infant daughter at the time was the only survivor of that accident with second and third degree burns. I kept a journal of my feelings and thoughts as I endured the pain of losing half my family at one time in addition to caring for an injured child. This was the second time in my lifetime that I lost half my family in a car accident, the first time it was my parents. Although there are books on grief and loss, I couldn't find a book for people like myself who suffered multiple losses at the same time or within a short period of time.

Grief is a hard subject to talk about and many don’t know how to help the bereaved. So I transformed my journal entries into a resourceful book entitled My #1 Is Still My #1! It teaches family and friends how to help their loved ones navigate through the tremendous pain that we all go through when we experience a death.

We all know people who have never been the same after they experienced heart break and pain because of life’s circumstances. We usually refer to them as Auntie So-n-so or Uncle So-n-so who have never been the same since such-n-such happened! Right? I didn’t want to become part of those statistics. I knew I was drunk with grief from the tragedy of losing both my husband and 10 years old daughter at the same time in that fiery crash, but I was sober enough to NOT WANT that to be the end of my story. So, I summoned up the courage to find something worth living for and I found it in the Word of God! God was #1 in my life before the accident and I wanted Him to STILL BE My #1 after the accident!

In my private time with God, I discovered that I was left behind for a reason, my time was not up. I still had an assignment to do here on earth AND I could do it alone! My divine destiny did not include those who had passed on. Recognizing that one God revelation liberated me from the fear of going on alone to see what my end would be - without them.

God revealed to me that I had everything I needed to make it through my life’s journey already deposited in me and all I had to do was pull it up out of me! I wasn’t hopeless, helpless, or a victim of my circumstances anymore – I was (AM) a Victor! I can choose to triumph over my tragedies; they didn’t have the power to define me! With this second revelation I shook myself loose from the depression and despair that hung on me like a sweater and dropped it on the floor. I decided to pick up the garment of praise and dance my way out of my tragedy while singing:

“Because of You I live, because of You I live, I live to worship You!” As I continued to sing songs of praise unto God for what I still had left, my spirit lifted and hope replaced despair!

Every negative thought was countered with a faith confession! I spoke God’s Word over myself and His Word began to define me, not my tragedy! I was freed and liberated from my circumstances by the life giving Word of God! I broke the negative cycle of grief and loss by speaking the Word of God out loud and The Holy Spirit coaching me through it!

Today, I am still victorious in spite of the emotional triggers of holidays, birthdays, anniversaries or graduations. I am still here serving as YOUR spiritual “Harriet Tubman”, leading the way to your freedom from the spirit of heaviness that has oppressed you up until this day! This is my prayer for all of you, “I decree and declare your freedom from the ‘blues’ by the shed Blood of Jesus! You CAN walk out of the cave of depression you are in today by the same Power of God that works in me! You are Delivered, Hallelujah! Our God is no respecter of persons, what He has done for me is offered to you! Accept the work of His Only Son, Jesus, who has already won this fight for you – it’s fixed, you win! Get up from the floor of despair and fight back against your depression in the Precious Name of Jesus, Amen!”

Bernice Bright Dickey is the author of, “My #1 Is Still My #1!” her inspirational story of triumph after the tragedy of losing both her husband and daughter at the same time in a car accident. To contact her and to read more about her story please click on her website at http://www.bernicebrightdickey.com/.